Frustration can hold us back from learning and reaching our highest potential.
“I can’t”.
“I don’t want to”.
“I will never be able to”.
Those phrases, and many others, are typically followed by words of encouragement by a friend, teacher, or mentor meant to squash the negative talk. The intent is to boost the morale of the person who muttered the “no-can-do” phrases of defeat. A few replies would be pontificated after a person states they cannot do something. Such as, “Yes you can, I know you can.”
I don’t see phrases that contain, “I can’t, don’t, and will never, as a sign of defeat. I see them as expressions of frustration.
I know there are exceptions to everything that is said or written, but, to those of you that teach or lead others, think back to the times you have heard those words. The phrases are usually uttered at times when someone has tried and was unable to accomplish a task. They may feel a sudden sense of defeat, but they are not defeated, they may be a bit frustrated.
One of my private students is a very smart guy, a good musician, and a good student.
He has been working on an audition/chair placement for an honor band. At our last lesson, he became a bit frustrated because he was having a difficult time reaching a particular note. He played the passage multiple times and each attempt ended with the desired note remaining out of reach.
My good friend, fantastic band director, supreme music arranger and writer (psssst. if you need music arranged or written for your groups, contact him. I will guarantee you will get your money's worth)…anyway, where was I…oh yeah, my friend and musical colleague Fernando Frank told me a wise phrase, which was passed along to him, “There are no excuses, just reasons why.”
I may or may not have altered the saying, but, it has the same meaning.
My student didn’t make excuses for why he was unable to hit that particular note, he was getting frustrated because the note remained out of reach at that particular time.
Initially, I encouraged him to play the passage a few times, telling him that he could hit the note. I soon realized that the note would not be played with the sound and confidence it warranted during that lesson. He continued to play the passage over and over with the same result. Even when I tried to stop him to redirect his attention to something else that I knew would help him play the note correctly at a later time. In his frustration, he did not listen to me and continued to play the passage, missed the note, and therefore etched the missed note in his musical brain.
When he finally stopped out of exhaustion, I asked him a few questions.
Me: “What was my profession when I retired?”
Him: “You were a firefighter.”
Me: “Right. Did you know that I asked a lot of questions when I was a firefighter?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “I asked a lot of questions for a reason. Can you guess as to the reason?”
Him: “Because you needed to know what was going on.”
Me: “Excellent answer. Do you know what kind of questions I asked them?”
Him: “Questions about their health or injury?”
Me: “True, but I meant to ask in what way I asked the questions. I tried to always ask questions in a way that the patient could answer with either a yes or a no. So, I am going to ask you questions and all you have to answer is, yes or no. Are you ready?”
Him: “I guess so.”
Me: “Yes or no?”
Him: “Yes.”
Me: “Can you hit the note you keep missing?”
Him: “Sometimes I do, but…”
Me: “Yes or no? Remember, I’m not very smart and can only understand the answer yes or no.”
Him: “Yes”
Me: “Have you hit the note today?”
Him: “Not all of the time….Yes.”
Me: “Can you play this entire etude from top to bottom?”
Him: (brief pause) “Yes.”
Me: “Are you able to play it top to bottom at this moment?”
Him: “No.”
This is the part of the conversation where the previous statement, “There are no excuses, just reasons why.” comes into play.
At this point of the lesson, I didn’t offer excuses as to why he was unable to hit the note at that time. Instead, I gave him the reasons why the note was out of his reach for the moment.
Me: “You have had band class today, just finished with school, and have been playing for approximately 30 minutes nonstop in lessons. Your chops are tired and that note sits at the top of your normal range at this time. Those are the reasons why the note is out of your reach today. No excuses, but real reasons. If you keep playing it over and over on tired chops, you will become more frustrated and begin to look for excuses as to why you are having a difficult time hitting the note.”
I let that sink in for a few seconds and then asked another question.
Me: “Dig deep and think hard about this question. Can you honestly say that you have practiced as much as you could have to play this etude to the best of your ability?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Do you think that if you had practiced more at home, hitting this particular note would be a lot easier and would not be a concern right now?”
Him: “Yes.”
Me: “Do you think I am going to help you by teaching you a miracle trick so you will be able to hit that note every time?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “You are correct! But, what I have done is give your chops a break, your brain a break, and have helped you dissipate some of that frustration. There is no guarantee that you will be able to hit that note when you pick up the horn. But, you know in your brain that you can hit it because you have hit it before. You know that you can play the etude from top to bottom because you have played it before. You know that when I ask a yes or no question all I want as an answer is yes or no.”
He smiled and seemed to relax a little.
I would love to say that he played the etude, top to bottom, flawlessly, and hit the top note without a problem.
I would love to tell you that was the way it happened, but, in real life, we still have struggles and have to work at things in order to accomplish our goals. He did play the short passage and hit the note a few times by the end of the lesson, but he didn’t play the entire etude from top to bottom without stopping because his chops were exhausted.
I will tell you that appeared less frustrated by the end of the lesson.
He is a great guy, a smart student, a good musician, and will achieve great things in life.
Hopefully, he will remember how I simplified things with yes or no questions allowing his brain to relax.
Hopefully, he will remember that I only wanted yes or no answers to my questions and sometimes we want to keep talking, therefore distracting ourselves from learning.
Hopefully, he will realize that he has the capability to complete things that may seem difficult at the time, yet not unsurmountable.
Hopefully, he realizes that his expression of frustration was a good lesson for me, as well.
In my search for playing jobs, I have allowed myself to get frustrated. I recorded an audition this past year that did not represent my level of playing ability…at all. There were reasons why I was not playing to the best of my ability, but, at this point, I would use them as excuses.
So, I have to stop and ask myself questions, yes and no questions, and I have to answer honestly.
Can I hit those notes in the upper register? Yes. Can I play in the correct style requested? Yes. Can I play with the sound that is needed? Yes. Can I play a show, cruise ship, or traveling group that plays the same music night after night and keep the music fresh and entertaining? Yes.
So, there is no need to be frustrated, I will keep playing and getting my name mentioned to those who hire trumpet players. I may feel frustrated at times, but there is no need to be frustrated.